i don't wanna talk too much about it.
just skip directly to the point.
---
everytime i see Aidil around at a school event,
i'll hope to see him outside school somewhere again.
today,just now,
i was like whining like siao.
cos' i have to go home alone.
gratefully saw Atikah and we went to the bustop together.
stopped to talk to Tajuddin.
then went to the seats behind when Tajuddin left.
saw Aidil.
my heart skipped and my brain sang.
i know.
it's dramatic and all,but it's true.
i could feel myself flying at that point of time.
i said 'hi' enthusiastically.
he returned me with the sweetest smile.
i think that's worth all the 'negotiation'.
as i sat there with Atikah,
i was thinking about him.
not being able to forget him.
i thought i've already forgotten him until i saw him again today.
i hate myself.
Atikah borrowed his phone.
looked at his pictures.
he's ultra cute.
his girlfriend is cute too.
although i'm abit jealous.
i'm upset.
i seriously couldn't stop thinking about him.
his image pop out in my mind once my bloody eyes are shut.
totally red,tired eyes.
sunken heart,feelings,spirit.
no mood for any other things.
i just want him.
i love him for who he is.
i love his smile,
i love his touch,
i love his hugs,
i love his kisses,
i love him wholely.
nothing gonna change my love for him.
unless he actually tells me that he don't love me anymore.
or,i've thought through.
---
the 2-year arai fantasy is over.
cos' of Aidil.
and some comments from other people.
sniffing back tears.
everything is so hurting.
truth is so hurting.
go crazy and i'll be living in the world of my own.
or sleep forver,concussion,death.
memory loss seems like a great idea.
i couldn't forget you.
---
i nearly fainted.
i could have fainted if not for the person beside me holding on to me.
didn't eat anything for the whole bloody day.
except recess.
i want to die.
i have gastric.
fucking painful.
---
bloody couples.
get out of my bloody sight.
fuck off and go do your stuff in a corner.
where nobody can see you.
---
nobody cares that i feel like fainting.
and a simple 'where are you now?' won't make me feel any better.
alrights,never mind.
just fuck the bloody hell off and enjoy your party.
you are such a disappointment.
you people are such a disappointment!
just care about yourself.
don't give me a fucking care.
hate my attitude?
i'll do you a favour.
i'll stop bloody disturb you.
if you actually still want to know what happened to me,
i'll let you know.
everytime you people have to go home late,
i'll wait for you people alone.
for 3 bloody hours,or more.
when i have cca and have to go home late,
i have to go home alone.
and it's pretty unfair don't you think.
i feel stupid.
i feel used.
people sympathise me.
they think i'm stupid and pathetic.
everytime you're in a bad mood,
everything i do are wrong.
everytime i'm in a bad mood,
you'll start stirring up theories,
then i'm in the wrong again.
you know,
that's plain unfairness.
i know,
people have to sacrifice for good things.
but what do you know,i actually still feel friendless.
even though i have you people,
i feel like i have no friends.
no friends in the whole bloody world.
so what does that actually mean?
maybe i should just give up on myself.
don't have to shed anymore crocodile tears for me,when you actually don't like me AT ALL.