Those self-esteem books don't help me a single bit. I still indulge in self-pity. Find myself very useless. Mum asked me why I cried. She couldn't understand what I’m saying. Never mind. I fail in everything. Relationships, friendship, CCA, communication and consolation. Every other thing. I know that people dislike people who need to be reminded that they're not bad. But I couldn't stop myself. I initiated to break up with Aidil. Then I regret it now. I didn’t take good care of Lucky, I lost him, there’s myself to blame for. I let Rambo out without checking whether the door is opened. He ran away, I chased after him, I wasn’t fast enough, there’s myself to blame for. I let go of Xiao Hei, to let my relatives take it away, that’s why he’s gone. There’s myself to blame for. Mum once fell down, because I made her angry and she went out to do something to make her happy again. She had stitches and had to see a lot of doctors and waste a lot of cash. It’s still my fault. The computer spoilt, because I used it for a long period of time and it overheated. It’s still my fault. Not that I want to indulge in self pity. It’s just that it’s really my fault for these things, and if I say that it’s not my fault, I’m just lying to myself which is just as worse. I often try to impress my friends, but I just irritate them. I’m unhappy because I cannot impress them. Then they are angry because they thought that I’m angry because they didn’t laugh at my joke. They are pissed by my nonchalant attitude. They expect me to change, but that is almost impossible. If I really irritate you people that much, Hui Lin, Jia Li, Pei Lin, Susie, then I’ll just leave you people alone. I don’t want to make people unhappy anymore. Neither do I want to make myself unhappy anymore. But for the meantime, I think that not being friends anymore would be the best solution. I find myself childish all these while. Thinking that friends are my everything, and sacrifice so much for them. Until mum told me that blood is still thicker than water no matter what. And I think that that is the exact reason why family exists and why God gave us families. Holy people always say that friends are people who God forgot to give you as families. And so I often wonder what would happen if my friends were really my family. Then people in the whole world are a family. It sort of doesn’t make any sense. And friends don’t care what you are, what you do and what you used to do. They don’t care about your irritating attitude, they don’t care whether you fart in their face or not, they don’t care whether or not you’re rich. They don’t mind if you’re not funny, they love you for who you are and they don’t use you. They take your heart and put it back together again. They tell you that you’re the best even after you did something totally stupid. They don’t just treat you as a clown who is free of charge. They don’t hurt you by saying mean stuff to hurt your heart. As far as I can see, I don’t have such friends. I know nothing and nobody is perfect. Not even the most perfect invention in the world. Not even the hand phones that we use. Why do you think they keep designing new models? Not even the prettiest scenery that you would have seen. You’ll be going “if only there were more flowers on that tree, it’ll be way prettier.” Fact is, sometimes, things are better if they have flaws. If they are too perfect, it’ll be very unreal. Whatever it is. I’m just crapping I guess.

As it is written: there is none righteous, no, not one.
Romans 3:10